We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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