I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
