I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
