"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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