You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
