In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
