he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
