how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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