i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
