I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
