Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
