the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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