I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
