If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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