Even the bartender felt bad for me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
