if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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