I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
