I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
