evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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