He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
