My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
