So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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