While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
