I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
