tell your sister to shave her snatch
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
