I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
