I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
