So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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