Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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