I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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