Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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