What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
