I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
