You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
