You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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