she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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