You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
