I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
