If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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