Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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