I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
