everyone is single if you try hard enough
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
