So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
