Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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