Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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