Non-Jews are for practice
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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