Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
