she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
