im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Randomize
