He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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