The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
