We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
