His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
