Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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