But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
