Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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