I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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