He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
